The difference between two

I wasn’t a happy bunny yesterday. Or the day before. Call it hormonal, having clients cancel last minute, feeling like a maid, banker, cook, decorator etc in my own home or simply, I was having a bad few days!

And that’s ok. As long as I don’t wallow in the crap and move on out of it sooner rather than later.

We all have bad hours, minutes, days and that’s life. I will say that again, we all have bad days. How we respond to those is where the difference lies. But this post ain’t about that.

It’s about how others deal with your bad mood.

My two sons were home yesterday and I rarely get in a mood as such. I’m aware that I’m ‘on one’ and presently warn both my boys to leave me well alone.

The eldest immediately takes this on as a problem with him. I’m being rude and unhelpful and he’s wanting x and y and why am I being such a bitch?

Needless to say he did suffer for his insistence to take on my mood. To challenge it. To say ‘how dare you be a moody bitch’.

The youngest? He simply acknowledged what I said. Gave me space. Asked, after an outburst, if I was okay. He left me to wallow in my shit, be a moody bitch as he realised it wasn’t about him.

The difference in emotional intelligence was very obvious last night. One child can see the mood and accept it and let it go. The other could not, would not and ended up joining me in a mood!

What this highlighted for me was MY need to back off more then my kids are having a bad day. Or others for that matter. Their mood is NOT about me. It’s about them. I can be absent yet supportive. Give them space to be yet be there if they need to talk.

The complete difference in how my boys handled my mood was very evident and provided me with an insight into how I respond to their moods! How’s that for an eye opener!

So next time someone has a bad day, cut them some slack. Give them space yet let them know you’re there for them if they need you.

We are all human. We all need to respect that we fuck up!

Space. Respect. Support.

Simple!

Namaste ūüôŹ

I love you..

Sometimes you just have to say it, so here goes….

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Ho’oponopono prayer.

Now if you read something into those words – then grab it and hold on to it. If we all said those 4 phrases daily to not only our loved ones, but to our friends, family (okay those should be included in our loved ones!), people we’ve upset, people who have upset us, how much better would we feel?

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

When you feel sad, mad, happy, angry, bitter, upset, lonely, jealous, rejected – just keep repeating the above phrases – over and over and over again until you feel a release from the feelings.

Say this prayer when you meditate; say it first thing in the morning or last thing at night; say it to your child/your wife/your lover/your dog! Say it often and with a smile!

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

The last one was especially for my boys.

Take care and remember – repeat, repeat, repeat!img_1738.jpg

 

 

 

A Positive Change

A quick and powerful way to change your kids’ negative behaviour is to focus on the positive behaviour instead.

By praising their efforts, however small (picking up their rubbish/putting their shoes away/giving you a hug) they begin to associate pleasure/reward with their positive behaviour. And by ignoring bad behaviour (minor behaviour) as well, the message that positive behaviour gets them the attention/reward that they want, will further enhance the transformation to a more positive and kinder child.

A great way to boost their feelings of positivity further and enhance their levels of happiness, it to ask them to write down three things that they are grateful for or that went well for them that day, along with three acts of kindness that they carried out that day in a gratitude journal.

Rewarding your child for their kindness (no major rewards necessary – keep it simple from a DVD night to choosing dinner to a chocolate bar on the way home) will motivate them further to be kind and the more they focus on acts of kindness, the more kinder and positive they will become.

When we repeat a behaviour it soon becomes a habit so by helping your child form to focus on kindness and gratitude you are helping them become a more positive and happier child and adult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good News Is Bad News – Thankfully Not for Us All!

I felt compelled to put pen to paper or fingers to keys to express my shock at the Great British Public! Thankfully I am assuming that it is only a tiny minority of small minded, miserable, self-loathing individuals who resent anyone else actually having a life – let alone extending it.

Stephen Sutton – a 19 year old terminally ill cancer sufferer raised over three million pounds for a teenage cancer charity and whilst seriously ill. He was taken into hospital recently as he was on his proverbial last legs – so to speak – yet whilst in hospital he continued to raise funds for the cancer charity and people’s spirits. What an amazing young man – his life was being cut short – whilst other young men his age were out enjoying themselves without a thought or care for anyone else – Stephen was still fundraising despite his dire outlook.

So I was overjoyed when I read that this wonderful young man had been given a second shot at life – that he had made a miraculous recovery and was allowed home to enjoy more quality ‘life’ time. My first thought was ‘how fantastic – his awesome spirit has kept him alive’ – I was thrilled for the lad and his family – if anyone deserved a second chance of life – he did!

But then not everyone is like me. Not everyone sees the amazing ‘good’ in good news. For some people good news just reminds them of how bad their pitiful lives are – which is a shame because their lives could be so much more if they just focused on the very things they abhor – the good things in life!

I was horrified that some people had taken to twitter (one idiot in particular who tweeted to Stan Coleymore) and other media (it’s ‘safe’ to voice your vile opinions on these sites as you can hide behind your phone or computer screen – God forbid you meet people fact to face) to say how they felt ‘duped’ by Stephen’s recovery!!!!!!!!! Duped!!!!!

I would have laughed only for the sharp intake of breath. What sort of human being feels ‘duped’ because another human being has avoided the desperate grip of death’s claws? Would not ‘normal’ human beings feel warm and happy inside at such wonderful news that a 19 year old boy has recovered sufficiently enough to go home and spent some quality time with his family and friends which he never thought he’d be able to do?

Wouldn’t normal human beings be inspired by what this selfless, courageous and awesome young man has done and continues to do and what he has overcome? And to be honest – even if he hadn’t been knocking on death’s door – isn’t it amazing that he raised over 3 million for charity? How much did this twitter ‘fan’ raise? If someone is going to dupe me and raise 3 million for charity – then awesome!!!! Rather that than some arse sitting at home finding the next best thing to tweet about!

So to the millions of you who like me were overjoyed at Stephen’s recovery; who felt inspired to hope; who took a look at their own lives even if just for a moment to think how lucky they are; who struggled to comprehend how a man facing death could be so selfless and give until he could give no more – thank God for you! Because you are the very people who make the world go round!

And to Stephen – I hope you go on to make a remarkable recovery – to live until you are 99 – because not only do you deserve it – you have a spirit which can inspire millions and believe you me millions out there need to be inspired!

The View From Up Here

I was at the doctors yesterday morning when during our consultation he asked what I did for a living. I told him I was a hypnotherapist and he asked did I do smoking and weight loss. I said I did along with anxiety too and he became intrigued with my view on the cause of anxiety.

He asked me in my opinion, what caused anxiety. I told him that stress may well bring on anxiety however the cause is more likely to be an event – traumatic or otherwise – from the person’s past, usually childhood. He seemed to agree with my view (which has been evidenced in several studies and personal experiences too) and believed that the majority of all pathological issues such as depression, anxiety and other more serious illness¬†such as psychosis¬†seem to be rooted in childhood and more specifically linked to¬†relationships with parents/primary carers.

We had a great discussion about how a child’s relationship with their parents can impact on their behaviour, beliefs and relationships as an adult and¬†of course this is true to an extent, however issues such as anxiety may well be caused by events other than relationship issues.

We moved onto an area I have been writing about a lot recently – responsibility. We both agreed that whatever relationship you have in your life, you go into it with a means to extracting something from it whether consciously or subconsciously. When we befriend someone it’s usually because we enjoy their company or they may provide us with a shoulder to cry on or a chance of a good night out – but there is¬†a reason why we befriend that person in the first place.

Likewise in romantic relationships, we seek something from our partner and that tends to be something that we feel is missing either from our life (companionship) or from us as an individual (low self worth).¬†When we feel unloved we depend on¬†our partner to fill the void inside of us – which¬†invariably they rarely do¬†as only we can do that ourselves – so when they fail to live up to our expectations they become the ‘problem’ and not us.

Whilst I can totally appreciate how my conscious and unconscious needs impact on every area of my life including relationships it can be difficult to get my clients to understand this concept. ‘Well he was the one who cheated/hit me/never let me out’ so it’s his fault the relationship is the way it is. I have no¬†doubt that your partner treats you disrespectfully but who is allowing him to treat you that way? Why did you ‘invite’ him into your life¬†in the first place?¬†

You are responsible for every relationship you have – and if the relationship turns sour or abusive you have a choice. Stay or leave.¬†Understandably there are relationships that you can’t walk away from – your kids for one – however the same still applies to these relationships too. What is it about the other person that upsets you? What is it in you that you see in them?

I have a friend who allows her son to smack and throw things at her. He punches and kicks his grandparents as she sits watching. She is finding him a ‘handful’ and doesn’t know what to do with him. Start by drawing some boundaries based on respect first. If she learnt to respect herself and other people her son will learn to respect others too. What is lacking in us can, due to our lack of awareness, also be lacking in our kids (‘the sins of the father’).

So next time a relationship presents a problem for you – ask yourself what is it about me that is creating this problem – it may not be pleasant (I know!) yet it gives you the chance to rectify those relationships that deserve to be saved¬† and break free from those that cant be. Whilst responsibility gives you the opportunity to transform relationships and your life it doesn’t mean in anyway that things are always your fault. It merely means that as part of the ‘problem’ you need to address the fact that you are involved in it – like¬†it or not –¬†and because you are involved you have the ideal chance to resolve the issue.¬†

Self awareness begins by accepting responsibility for all the problems in your life –¬†no one can hurt you unless you allow them too – so if you are in a hurtful relationship then why are you in it and why are you¬†putting up with it? As you begin to learn more about yourself,¬†your limiting beliefs, values¬†and what you want from¬†your life you begin to take control of your own destiny – if you hand over responsibility for every¬†problem in your life to others – then you will¬†always be at everyone else’s beck and call!

Take responsibility today and live a more fulfilling life. Love yourself, nurture yourself and forgive yourself daily and watch as others begin to love you, nurture you and accept you for who you really are. After all only you can change your world.

Clear Out the Junk

I had a pretty low day yesterday. The boys went back to school and I had a mound of work to tackle but little motivation to do it. I didn’t feel like doing my morning run but did it anyway. I didn’t run as far – my heart wasn’t in it and that was the problem that morning – my heart wasn’t in it.

I dragged out my laptop and opened my mail and feeling more like going for a long walk than work, I decided to take 20 minutes and meditate instead. I use the Ho’oponopono clearing prayer when I feel ‘blocked’ by anything in life or .n I find it hard to focus or calm my mind. So I sat down focused on my lack of motivation and began to meditate, repeating the mantra

I love you

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you.

I use this Ho’oponopono clearing prayer when ever I feel the need to offload any emotional baggage of if I am experiencing any problems or relationship issues. Not only does it help calm the mind (it works like a mantra) it also helps to raise your energy vibrations too. The words you use believe it or not do have an effect on your body (look at the study of words on water by Dr Emoto) and by repeating the above prayer you can change your body’s energy field thus lifting your mood.

When yo do this clearing exercise focus on the words and their meaning as it really helps to make you feel better after all love is the ultimate healer! When you focus on the words ‘I love you’ say them with meaning – focus on love. When you say ‘I’m sorry’ mean it and if you find something coming up – either a memory or a feeling then work on that. It has surfaced for a reason!

So next time you feel a little ‘flat’ or your heart isn’t in something – do this clearing meditation using the simple prayer above. If you are having problems in a relationship then use the prayer as a way to clear out the negativity in the relationship. Focus on the person when you say the prayer and mean what you say. Tell them in your mind ‘I love you’ and say it with heartfelt meaning – apologise for anything in you that has caused the problem (there will be something even if it’s at an unconscious level). When you say thank you again say it with meaning.

I did this recently with someone and within an hour the person had apologized for their less than wonderful behaviour. I use it with a close family member and whilst his behaviour has calmed recently it is more his willingness to apologise for his poor behaviour which is the most noticeable change. When ever I experience any problems now I turn to this prayer Рit really does work miracles!

Go on and give it a go – if it only clears your head and gives you peace of mind – it has worked. But use it to clear out any problems in your relationships too and see if you can notice the difference.

Stop! And Smell The Roses

I am sure I am not alone when I say that some days, when everything seems to go wrong, I wished I had have stayed in bed.

I had one of those days this week which kicked off with my son having a melt down over getting a later bus, closely followed by his brother refusing to get out of bed. A while later a client cancelled at the last minute and the offer I had just received on my house wasn’t quite as much as I had hoped it would be. I lost my car keys (well couldn’t remember where I put them is more precise) and so ended up arriving late for work and the day had barely started!

I felt exhausted and I still had the day ahead of me. I was feeling disappointed with my boys for spoiling my morning, angry with myself for misplacing my keys and frustrated that the offer on my house meant I would have to rethink my buying options once again. As I sat and prepared for my first client of the day, I could feel my anger and frustration brewing and I hadn’t even had time for a cup of tea that morning, no thanks to the kids!

As I went over the events of the morning I became more and more upset until I had literally had enough of listening to my own whining voice in my head! Enough is enough! Did I want to continue to feel upset and get even angrier because my son refused to get out of bed or that my client cancelled last minute or did I want to feel better?

I wanted to feel better. So what if my son had a melt down about the bus, that had nothing to do with me so why was I taking it personally? And I’m not surprised the youngest wanted to stay in bed that morning as it was a Monday and we’d had a hectic weekend. Once I realized that life is not always about me – I was able to release all that frustration. And besides, no-one had upset me – I had upset myself by taking on board everyone else’s issues.

Sometimes we can get lost in our doom and gloom and it could be easy for us to remain bitter about things that happen in our life – things that for the most part – aren’t actually important. However it could be just as easy for us to move on and leave the past where it belongs and take a different slant on life. The choice is ours.

You are the only person who can allow yourself to get upset and by focusing on the ‘wrong doings’ that others have seemingly done to you, you are handing them your power. People can be rude – that’s their issue. People can be thoughtless – that’s their issue. People can loose it over tiny things – again that’s their issue so why make it yours?

If you want to feel positive, happier or more fulfilled then focus on what is going right in your life, focus on what you want out of life and allow others the space to do, say and be who they want to be. You can not control other people however you can control how you respond to them.

My son had a meltdown because he feels anxious about any changes to his daily routine. My other son was tired. My client either changed their mind about therapy or was really sick. These things I can not change but I can change how I deal with them. I can reassure my son that he will be fine on the later bus, I can gently coax my youngest out of bed and I can empathize with my sick client and hope that another (higher!) offer comes in for my house.

Life is what you make it and if you make it miserable inside your head then it will be miserable outside in the real world too. So STOP those negative thoughts and focus on something positive instead and notice how you begin to feel happier, brighter and more positive.

Stop and smell the roses because they don’t stay in bloom all year long.

In Search Of Happy

I was recently asked if I would rather be very, very happy for a day or content for a long time and my response was based purely on my interpretation of what ‘content’ meant.

In my younger years my interpretation of what content meant is very different from how I would describe it now. I once saw ‘content’ as bored middle aged married couples, ‘making do’ with their lives, and swore I would do everything in my power to avoid ‘contentment’ thank you very much. I was young, carefree and lived for the weekends (no work!!) and the thought of being tied down with kids, a mortgage and a ‘proper’ job terrified me. I wanted excitement thank you very much not drudgery.

However many years later I have that ‘contented’ life, yet it isn’t all that I had thought it was cracked up to be. I have a mortgage, kids and a job (though most would not describe my job as proper) and whilst some days are as far from the fast lane as they could possibly be – in fact I am in reverse some days – I can honestly say that I am happy in my contentment.

I no longer see content as dull or boring and as an older and sometimes wiser woman, I see content as being at peace with who I am and the life I live. Things are by no means perfect in my life, yet it is my life and I have made peace with the fact that some things I would so love to change, wont and that’s okay because I can change how I see things.

I no longer need to rely on the thrill that I sought in my younger days – although I still love the excitement of a new challenge or living life fully the way I want to, I realize that happiness or contentment reside deep within each one of us. We each have the capacity to feel happy on our own or in company; to feel happy when the world around us seems to be going mad – happiness is a choice and is not reliant on external factors.

I have grown to accept who I am more and more and with that self acceptance comes inner peace and contentment with life, however, I certainly do not feel that I am ‘putting up’ with life, it just means that I am more accepting of life and it’s ups and downs.

So what would I chose now? Contentment – totally.

The Man In The Middle

Have you ever come across one of those people who fail to see that the Universe does not evolve around them? And let’s face it – sometimes we can all get lost in the ‘poor little me’ routine – which is okay – as long as you are aware of it!

We all make sense of our world based on our own beliefs, conditioning and experiences of our past and these overlay all our experiences in the here and now. So when a friend of yours lets you down – one friend may well presume that she’s got a lot on or is busy with something else because they believe that she wouldn’t let them down on purpose.

Another friend on the other hand instantly thinks ‘Charming! She couldn’t care less about me – cancelling our night out like that!’ Now which friend would feel more empowered and positive? Which frame of reference leaves the individual in control of their life as opposed to playing out the victim role in everyone else’s life?

Exactly! The individual who understands and can appreciate that everyone has their own life, thoughts, opinions, feelings etc and so considers this when giving ‘meaning’ to events in their life – so no surprises they will feel much happier and positive as they can see that not everything that happens to them is about them!

However the individual who puts themselves at the centre of the Universe unwittingly puts themselves at the centre of everybody else’s world too. So if someone lets them down – it’s about them. If someone is rude to them – its about them. If someone doesn’t jump when they say jump – it’s all about them too.

So no wonder they feel upset, rejected and down right miserable! They have made everything that everybody does about them! They could if they wanted – chose a different ‘meaning’ from the one they automatically chose (why me?) and not only will they feel better but there outlook on life will be more rosy too!

So next time your friend let’s you down – try and see things from your friends perspective – maybe they are having a bad time/busy with family/feeling tired etc – don’t always jump in with your size 11’s and shout ‘Why always me?’ because you will always get an answer but not the best one! And will lose your friends quicker that you will drop a hot potato.

So if you are the proverbial Man in the Middle you will always be the supporting actor in your life – so take the Lead role, change perspective and realize that there are billions of other people out there in the Big (not so bad) World!

Second That Emotion

All of us (though some are exempt from this) have been or still are hostage to our emotions, with many people not even being aware of how they feel from one moment to the other.

However being aware of how you are feeling and the thoughts you have – can help you gain some control over wayward emotions such as anger, angst, sadness or anxiety. Basically the more ‘self aware’ you become the more able you are to control your emotions.

Being self aware simply means being aware of our thoughts and feelings which in turn gives us the opportunity to be ‘aware’ of them without becoming emotionally attached to them and when we become the ‘observer’ of our emotions we can choose whether we wish to change how we feel or wallow in our emotions.

For example, how many of us have been cut up on the road at some point by what would appear to be a ‘thoughtless’ driver? Most of us no doubt! But self awareness allows us to see that our angry response to this incident is ours – maybe our outburst (expletives!) are called for but maybe they weren’t – maybe the guy just didn’t see you?

So yes we got angry – but being aware that you are angry in the first place is great but being aware that our response to this incident is also our choice – means we gain control over how we feel – or for how long we feel these emotions, because lets face it – feeling bad sucks!

Self awareness allows us to remain calm in stressful situations, helps us to chose a more beneficial or positive state of mind and as a result we feel more balanced and positive. We become the ‘observer’ of our emotions – ‘I am feeling angry/sad/overwhelmed etc – which enables us to distance ourselves from those negative emotions and then gives us leverage to change them into a more positive one, if we want to! So if we find ourselves in a bad mood we can get ourselves out of it more quickly than other people who are less aware of their emotions.

On the flip side there are people who loose themselves in their emotions – drowning in their emotions or wallowing in their sorrows or worries. These people are immersed in their emotions and are unable to ‘see’ them clearly and as a result become overwhelmed by the emotions they experience. They have little perspective on the emotions they feel as and a result have little control over their emotional life and live at the mercy of their own emotions feeling they can do nothing to improve their situation.

And then we have those people who are aware of how they feel but do nothing to change them. Some people believe that they should experience all emotions as they arise as this is natural – but then there is a fine line here between wallowing in these emotions or really ‘feeling’ them and moving on.

And of course there are those who know they feel depressed, or sad, or angry but chose to stay with these emotions and they are ‘who I am’.

Your emotions are not who you are – they ‘tell’ us how we should feel based on past, present and future experiences however they are not always appropriate or the best option. You always have a choice – to feel bad or feel good. Simple.

Yes it’s necessary to feel bad sometimes – they make the good times good – and it’s better ‘out than in’ we are told (and I’m not talking about wind here!) – if we feel upset, angry, worried – deal with the cause of these feelings and move on – it’s a far healthier option than denying our emotions or believing you are a slave to them – you are not!

We all have times when we feel low – and that’s okay – but if these feelings drag on then perhaps you need to ask yourself if these emotions are serving you at this moment in time. Do they make you feel good – probably not – so do something about it.

Make a commitment to yourself to be more self aware – and once you start to notice your emotions – you can then go on to question whether they are appropriate (not all emotions we feel are – they can be a learned response) and if not – change them and move on.

You have a choice in life – to live a more fulfilling and happier life – or to chose to be a victim to your emotions. We all feel them – good or bad – but it’s how we ‘experience’ them and ‘deal’ with them that determines our lives. So chose well!