Just in from a lovely walk with the dogs where I got to thinking about ‘fitting in’. I met a friend whilst out who has lost a lot of weight (you should never say you want to lose weight or you will look to find it subconsciously at some point later) and how she loved […]
If you feel like you’re constantly being rejected by others or feeling unworthy and unloved, it’s a pretty bleak place to be isn’t it? But what if you could change this place for a more loving and abundant place instead? Would you be willing to move?
The great thing is is that with some simple self love you can become a very different person living a more fulfilling life and you don’t need to rely on anyone else to start your journey!
Feeling unloved or rejected has it’s roots in childhood usually with some form of ‘obvious’ rejection such as a parent walking out on you when you were a child or being bullied, or it could be a perceived rejection such as a parent ignoring you when you want their attention or a friend ignoring you one day at school.
It’s easier to see how we can feel unloved and abandoned when a parent walks out on us but it’s harder to understand how we can begin to feel unloved when a parent simply ignores our demands for attention. However as a child out whole world evolves around us quite literally and if someone ignores us, treats us badly, we begin to doubt our self worth and we create a misunderstanding that we are somehow unlovable or wrong as a result.
Once we form that seed of doubt, of feeling unlovable, we then begin to change how we view our world. Instead of seeing love in everything we do and experience, we begin to see rejection and over a relatively short period of time we can form the belief that we are unworthy or unlovable.
From then on in, an ignored text, or a harsh word from another person backs up that belief that we are unlovable or unworthy of being treated nicely. And isn’t it a shame that you waste your life feeling unloved or unimportant based on a misunderstanding from your childhood or someone else’s inability to love you?
The great thing is you can change how you feel about yourself and how you see ‘rejection’. How? By practising self love. By being aware that there is a part of you that craves love, that seeks love in most things you do and somehow always feels disappointed when that love never shows up.
So stop looking to the outside world for that love and start looking within yourself. Stop looking for people to verify your self worth and verify it yourself. Stop looking to relationships to make you feel ‘whole’ and make yourself feel ‘whole’.
Self love is the most important love of all. Without self love you will continue to feel unloved, no matter how much love is in your life. And Self love allows you to feel loved, validated, important and worthy. And it’s an incredibly easy journey to take.
Initially it may well feel embarrassing or awkward telling yourself how amazing you are and how much you love yourself, but with perseverance, it will begin to feel more natural and eventually it will begin to feel incredible!
I was introduced to self love or ‘meta’ through a Buddhist Meditation Practice and I love it! It is an incredibly empowering way to start the day. No longer waiting for external verification to feel good, you can go right on ahead and love yourself. Simple.
So give yourself an extra ten minutes in bed every morning or find a sacred place where you can practice ‘meta’ or self love. Of if you have some issues you need to work on, set aside some time to work through them.
Start by taking a three deep breaths in and slowly breathing out through your mouth. Focus on letting go and relaxing on every out breath. Then simply focus on your breathing and place your hands over your heart centre (in the middle of your chest). To begin with – if you feel it difficult to feel loving towards yourself – think of a loving, happy memory and focus on the feelings they create within you and the thoughts that come up.
Once you feel loving – simply focus on an image of you in your mind – as you are now or a younger you that might need this love – whilst telling yourself ‘I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you for being so amazing’. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
As you repeat this mantra, feelings will surface – usually sadness or fear or anger and that’s okay. Breathe through these feelings and continue with the mantra. Remember if you feel unloved or unworthy these feelings will surface.
Memories may surface which may need your attention and again, focus on you in the memory and send the younger you so much love, support, gratitude, forgiveness or whatever it is that you think they need. Or simply keep repeating the mantra until you feel a shift in your energy, when you feel more peaceful.
You may well experience a lot of negative emotions initially when practising this and that’s okay as it releases pain from the past. If you need support – make sure you have a friend to help you through. It may well prove tough – but believe you me – it is worth it.
There will be times when you practise this and feel great. Revel in the positive feelings of love and gratitude, really feel how awesome it feels to feel loved and appreciated. Tell yourself how amazing you are, focus on things you have done well. You can send this love to others if you desire too – to family or friends who need it.
Self love is a healing tool in that it soothes and releases past hurts and as we release these and fill our hearts and bodies with love, kindness and forgiveness, we begin to feel a shift.
You can use this exercise to heal the past which inevitably will help you feel better, or as an exercise to boost your mood, to feel more loved and help you feel more positive about yourself. I would recommend that you go with whatever comes up. If it’s healing the past make sure you spend time at the end, focusing on love and gratitude to ensure you feel upbeat and positive when you finish.
After a couple of weeks or months you will begin to notice how differently you feel about yourself and indeed others. You may notice you begin to be kinder to yourself, more loving and supportive and you may notice as a result you are more loving and kinder to others too.
You may feel differently about events in your life and begin to see them in a different light. The more forgiving you are of yourself and others the more inner calm you will feel.
Love starts with you. The more you love yourself the more you see that rejection isn’t all about you. And if someone does reject you, you know what, that doesn’t mean you are unlovable, it just means you weren’t right for each other. Self love enables you to become a better mother, lover, sister, aunt, friend and person. It allows you to find pure joy in the simplest of experiences. You will feel much more grateful for what you have and that in itself, will increase your feelings of self worth.
So make a commitment today to practise self love every morning. I guarantee it will change your life!
Click on the link below and give it a go!
The Butterfly Hug is an incredible and powerful way to let go of intense negative feelings. The method itself is simple and easy to do yourself depending on the severity of your condition or memory that you wish to work on.
Watch this video now and try out this effective tool yourself.
Sometimes you just have to say it, so here goes….
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
Now if you read something into those words – then grab it and hold on to it. If we all said those 4 phrases daily to not only our loved ones, but to our friends, family (okay those should be included in our loved ones!), people we’ve upset, people who have upset us, how much better would we feel?
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
When you feel sad, mad, happy, angry, bitter, upset, lonely, jealous, rejected – just keep repeating the above phrases – over and over and over again until you feel a release from the feelings.
Say this prayer when you meditate; say it first thing in the morning or last thing at night; say it to your child/your wife/your lover/your dog! Say it often and with a smile!
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
The last one was especially for my boys.
Take care and remember – repeat, repeat, repeat!
I recently stumbled upon a system that I used to use for eliminating limiting beliefs both for myself and my clients and marvelled at it’s simplicity and effectiveness.
A belief is something that we hold true about ourselves or our world and whilst we may know on an intellectual level that it’s not true, we feel it’s true on a gut level. For instance, we may argue that of course we are good enough, yet on some level we feel we’re not really good enough and it is this gut feeling that unfortunately runs our behaviour, thoughts and feelings.
We can remind ourselves daily through positive affirmations that we are good enough and ‘act as if’ we are good enough on a day to day basis but when something goes wrong, that old belief ‘I’m not good enough’ comes up and bites us on our ass and says ‘see I told you you weren’t good enough’.
The only way to get over this limiting belief and any other limiting beliefs is to eliminate them completely and that way you will never again feel on any level that you aren’t good enough (though you may be bad at some things – I can’t sing but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough – you just can’t sing!) and if you aren’t limited by this belief, imagine all the possibilities that could open up for you!
So how do you get rid of a limiting belief? Well one great way is to understand how beliefs are created in the first place! When we are kids, in order to make sense of our world, we attribute meaning to events that occur around us otherwise those events will just be meaningless events. For example, if your parents shouted at you for making mistakes, you may form the belief that ‘mistakes are bad’ and act on this for the rest of your life, too scared to try out new things in case you make a mistake.
However, the meaning you give an event is only ONE meaning – there are many other meaning that you could give an event. Instead of seeing that ‘mistakes are bad’ in your parents’ behaviour, you could see that ‘my parents’ believe mistakes are bad’ or ‘my parents’ really want me to succeed and that’s why they shout at me all the time’. And besides, just because my parents’ thought mistakes were bad, does that mean that they are?
And every time after that, when your parents shout at you for making a mistake, you attribute their behaviour to the belief, ‘mistakes are bad’.
When you go back to the events that caused you to believe your limiting belief and look for other meanings in those events other than the one you attributed to them (I’m mot good enough/mistakes are bad etc) you can begin to loosen the validity of your belief.
As mentioned earlier, events only have meaning because of the meaning you give them. Yes your mum may well have shouted at you each time you made a mistake, but does that really mean mistakes are bad, or was that the belief you attributed to her behaviour? Your mum may well have thought that by chastising your for getting things wrong she was helping you to make less mistakes in the future; she may well have thought making mistakes was bad but is that REALLY true? Think of penicillin!
Your mum may well not have been great at handling your mistakes – simple as that, but by you attributing ‘mistakes are bad’ to your mum’s behaviour, you created a belief system based on what you thought you saw in your mum’s behaviour.
By seeing other alternatives to your parents’ behaviour or events that created limiting beliefs, you begin to see that events only have meaning because you gave them meaning. So if you gave them meaning, then why not go back and give them another meaning? Instead of seeing ‘I’m not good enough’ you could see ‘my parent’s weren’t very good at praising me/supporting me’ or ‘my parents’ may have just been parenting the way they were parented and that doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough. And even if my parents did think I wasn’t good enough, it doesn’t mean that others will think I’m not good enough.
When you have come up with a few alternatives to the events that caused you to believe something negative, then go back to those events and see if you can actually see ‘I’m not good enough’ in those events. You probably won’t!
Then ask yourself if the limiting belief that you once held is really true. Feel if it’s still true on a gut level – if it is – keep going until you see something different in the events that caused you to have the limiting belief.
Remember, in order to make sense of events, we give meaning to them and this is based on our own experiences. So if you have created a limiting belief, go back into the past and create a new meaning to the events, and let go of those negative beliefs for good!
If you have limiting beliefs that are holding your back or would like help discovering what limiting beliefs you have (and seriously we all do have them) then give me a ring on 07532110457 or drop me a line today!
I was recently asked if I would rather be very, very happy for a day or content for a long time and my response was based purely on my interpretation of what ‘content’ meant.
In my younger years my interpretation of what content meant is very different from how I would describe it now. I once saw ‘content’ as bored middle aged married couples, ‘making do’ with their lives, and swore I would do everything in my power to avoid ‘contentment’ thank you very much. I was young, carefree and lived for the weekends (no work!!) and the thought of being tied down with kids, a mortgage and a ‘proper’ job terrified me. I wanted excitement thank you very much not drudgery.
However many years later I have that ‘contented’ life, yet it isn’t all that I had thought it was cracked up to be. I have a mortgage, kids and a job (though most would not describe my job as proper) and whilst some days are as far from the fast lane as they could possibly be – in fact I am in reverse some days – I can honestly say that I am happy in my contentment.
I no longer see content as dull or boring and as an older and sometimes wiser woman, I see content as being at peace with who I am and the life I live. Things are by no means perfect in my life, yet it is my life and I have made peace with the fact that some things I would so love to change, wont and that’s okay because I can change how I see things.
I no longer need to rely on the thrill that I sought in my younger days – although I still love the excitement of a new challenge or living life fully the way I want to, I realize that happiness or contentment reside deep within each one of us. We each have the capacity to feel happy on our own or in company; to feel happy when the world around us seems to be going mad – happiness is a choice and is not reliant on external factors.
I have grown to accept who I am more and more and with that self acceptance comes inner peace and contentment with life, however, I certainly do not feel that I am ‘putting up’ with life, it just means that I am more accepting of life and it’s ups and downs.
So what would I chose now? Contentment – totally.
Most of us refer to weight loss or losing weight – it’s one of the highest search terms in google – and many people try to lose weight many times during their lives especially before a holiday or event (wedding, graduation etc) but how many of us question the actual language we use?
I will use the term ‘weight loss’ on my website as it’s what potential clients search for but I do not use it in my sessions! And if you think of it – there is a pretty obvious reason as to why it’s best to avoid the phrases ‘weight loss’ or ‘losing weight’ – and alteratively choosing a more motivating phrase instead.
When we talk about ‘loss’ in general – is it usually associated with happiness or sadness? Sadness – that’s right – loss of a loved one, job loss, loss of human rights etc. LOSS has many negative connotations to it and yet we use it more or less all the time when referring to the process of slimming or shedding excess fat! So no wonder you feel so miserable when you keep referring to weight loss on your journey to your ideal weight!!!
Also – what about losing weight? Do you want to lose weight? Yes of course you do but seriously – do you want to ‘find’ it again too? Probably not!!! When we lose something (usually car keys for me!) we ultimately set off to find it don’t we? So our mind has linked lost, loosing, lose etc with something that we need to find – so guess what – if it ‘hears’ your saying that you have lost weight – it may well feel obliged to help you find it again – just as it helped you find those missing keys the other week!
So chose your words wisely – every day – not just on matters of slimming! If you are trying to shed a few pounds or a mountain of fat – then tell yourself and others that you are ‘letting go’ of the excess fat/weight – as letting go suggests we had something once that served a purpose (a boyfriend/book/behaviour etc) but now we no longer need it so we ‘let it go’ to make us feel better.
Or use an even more positive phrase which not only uses more positive language but also provides an image (it will do each time you say it believe me) in your mind of your desired goal – the slimmer you.
Starting each day with a positive affirmation and visualization – of ‘I am slim and healthy’ focuses your mind on what you want (slim and healthy), tells your mind exactly what you want (slim and healthy) and helps you to remain focused on what you want to obtain (yes you’ve guessed it -slim and healthy).
Change your language today and see how much better you feel about your journey to a slimmer and healthier and happier you! IT Does make a difference to how you feel and if you feel better you will feel more motivated and if you feel more motivated (you are getting quick now aren’t you?!) you are more likely to succeed at reaching your ideal weight!
So chose to let go of your excess weight and focus on your ideal weight and shape – see it, hear it and feel it – it can be yours!
Good luck – and if you need some help with letting go of those nasty beliefs preventing you from reaching your ideal weight – give me a shout! I have helped hundreds (including myself) to fulfil their goals of reaching and maintain their ideal weight – so I can help you too!!
The ego is part of who we are and if we are not careful your ego can run and ruin your life.
We are used to hearing comments such as ‘he’s on one big ego trip’ or ‘they are too egotistical’ yet what does it really mean. When we use phrases like these we do so in a way which pertains to the individual as being too full of themselves i.e. listening to their egos desire to be liked, to fit in. However are we not being egotistical by judging them?
Your ego’s role is to protect you from perceived threat or hurt and upset, however all too often our ego takes over where rationality should be. If we were hurt by our friends back in primary school then it doesn’t mean to say that everyone else from that moment on is out to get us although unfortunately our egos view, if left unchecked, could be just that which is hardly realistic!
For example, if someone is on their ‘grumpy horse’ (like my son this morning) your ego’s usual response is to take the matter personally and you will usually hear that well-worn voice in your head saying things such as ‘how dare they be rude to me’ or ‘who do they think they are?’
Both statement are ego based (the situation is about me) and far from rational (the poor woman is having a bad day).
Responding to someone elses bad mood in a personal and negative way will often end up with some form of retaliation in order to be seen to defend ourselves – to say to the world ‘we are good enough’ or we harbour a grudge, both create bad feelings and anger. And besides if you are good enough then do you need to prove it to other people?
The ego makes us think about our needs too much and places little thought or consideration on other people. The ego also tends to be ‘all or nothing’ – ‘they hate me’, ‘they think I’m stupid’ etc.
Now if we ignored our ego and realized that everyone’s human and that we can all have a bad day then our first response to the above situation is remarkably different. We become more aware of other people’s feelings, we are less judgemental and we are certainly more positive and less hostile! We live outside our limited perception and become aware that other people see things very differently from how we view the world.
So if your first response it to take what people say or do very personally then you are more than likely too caught into your egotistical response, however choosing to realize that there are other views of the world and not just your ego’s, can open up many more doors for you in your future as well as leaving you feel more rounded, loved and calmer and more content with life.
So next time that voice in your head says you aren’t good enough or that someone is out to get you – question it – as it’s more than likely you are good enough and the other person probably doesn’t even know you exist! And if they do know you exist and are rude – then guess what? It’s about them not you so move on!
Your mind is just that, your mind, so if your ego is controlling it then it’s certainly controlling you, so maybe it’s about time you thought about taking back control of your mind.
Try mediation or mindfulness. Be aware of the moment and choose to see the world through a more rational pair of eyes – see the world through the eyes of someone else from time to time – it’s amazing how differently things can seem! You never know you may begin to realize that you aren’t all that different from all those other people out there!
I mentioned in an earlier blog about a simple way to help your child (and indeed yourself) release any negative emotions that they are experiencing and this was in relevance to anxiety suffered as a result of Aspergers, Autism and ADHD.
The Butterfly Hug is based on EMDR which is an incredibly powerful technique which incorporates bi-lateral stimulation (tapping on either side of the body simultaneously) and focusing on the image/emotion/thoughts that you wish to let go of.
Try it out and if you kid suffers from anxiety this is a great way for them to take control and learn to accept responsibility too for their emotional welfare. And it feels great doing it too!
So happy tapping!