The difference between two

I wasn’t a happy bunny yesterday. Or the day before. Call it hormonal, having clients cancel last minute, feeling like a maid, banker, cook, decorator etc in my own home or simply, I was having a bad few days!

And that’s ok. As long as I don’t wallow in the crap and move on out of it sooner rather than later.

We all have bad hours, minutes, days and that’s life. I will say that again, we all have bad days. How we respond to those is where the difference lies. But this post ain’t about that.

It’s about how others deal with your bad mood.

My two sons were home yesterday and I rarely get in a mood as such. I’m aware that I’m ‘on one’ and presently warn both my boys to leave me well alone.

The eldest immediately takes this on as a problem with him. I’m being rude and unhelpful and he’s wanting x and y and why am I being such a bitch?

Needless to say he did suffer for his insistence to take on my mood. To challenge it. To say ‘how dare you be a moody bitch’.

The youngest? He simply acknowledged what I said. Gave me space. Asked, after an outburst, if I was okay. He left me to wallow in my shit, be a moody bitch as he realised it wasn’t about him.

The difference in emotional intelligence was very obvious last night. One child can see the mood and accept it and let it go. The other could not, would not and ended up joining me in a mood!

What this highlighted for me was MY need to back off more then my kids are having a bad day. Or others for that matter. Their mood is NOT about me. It’s about them. I can be absent yet supportive. Give them space to be yet be there if they need to talk.

The complete difference in how my boys handled my mood was very evident and provided me with an insight into how I respond to their moods! How’s that for an eye opener!

So next time someone has a bad day, cut them some slack. Give them space yet let them know you’re there for them if they need you.

We are all human. We all need to respect that we fuck up!

Space. Respect. Support.

Simple!

Namaste 🙏

Energy Transfer

I was working with a student the other day, looking at physics and the topic of energy transfer. We discussed how energy can neither be created nor destroyed and the concept of useful energy versus wasted energy.

On my drive home, I mulled over the lesson and thought about the context of energy use being either useful or wasteful in our daily lives and was immediately inspired to become mindful of my daily energy usage.

We all have a certain amount of energy to ‘spend’ each day on eating, walking, laughing, worrying, smiling, frowning. loving, hating etc and most of us are not in the least aware of how we spend our energy each day.

If you’re feeling drained at the end of each day, then ask yourself how much energy do you give yourself each day? How much energy do you give out lovingly to others? How much energy do you give through self love and appreciation? How much energy do you save from stopping the worrying and doing something constructive instead? How much energy do you conserve from letting the little things go and taking 10 minutes to be still?

When you spend your energy constantly cursing other drivers on the road (on on my favourite energy wasting activities), worrying over every detail of your life, running around after and/or seeking validation from others, then you are wasting your precious energy on unskillful practices.

When you begin to see there are two ways to spend your energy – one that can drain you and leave you feeling tired and dissatisfied, or another than can leave you feeling full of life, happy and feeling in love with life, you CAN begin to make wise and skillful choices.

Mindfulness is a skill which can help transform you life (as can regular meditation) and being aware of how you CHOOSE to spend your energy is a powerful exercise in self awareness.

Spending your energy wisely, skillfully and on positive things that will enhance your standard of physical, mental and emotional welfare will benefit you greatly and will give you inner space to enjoy life more.

Make a conscious decision today to look at your energy expenditure and to  spend it wisely. What is the use of getting angry and upset about someone who’s being a prat for the day/hour/minute? It’s so much easier to see that you yourself have been that prat – so move on, love more and spend your energy wisely!

Not only will you feel better you may notice a difference in your depression, anxiety or self esteem too.

Live a better life. Life your best life.

Namaste!

 

Self Love as a Healing Modality

If you feel like you’re constantly being rejected by others or feeling unworthy and unloved, it’s a pretty bleak place to be isn’t it? But what if you could change this place for a more loving and abundant place instead? Would you be willing to move?

The great thing is is that with some simple self love you can become a very different person living a more fulfilling life and you don’t need to rely on anyone else to start your journey!

Feeling unloved or rejected has it’s roots in childhood usually with some form of  ‘obvious’ rejection such as a parent walking out on you when you were a child or being bullied, or it could be a perceived rejection such as a parent ignoring you when you want their attention or a friend ignoring you one day at school.

It’s easier to see how we can feel unloved and abandoned when a parent walks out on us but it’s harder to understand how we can begin to feel unloved when a parent simply ignores our demands for attention. However as a child out whole world evolves around us quite literally and if someone ignores us, treats us badly, we begin to doubt our self worth and we create a misunderstanding that we are somehow unlovable or wrong as a result.

Once we form that seed of doubt, of feeling unlovable, we then begin to change how we view our world. Instead of seeing love in everything we do and experience, we begin to see rejection and over a relatively short period of time we can form the belief that we are unworthy or unlovable.

From then on in, an ignored text, or a harsh word from another person backs up that belief that we are unlovable or unworthy of being treated nicely. And isn’t it a shame that you waste your life feeling unloved or unimportant based on a misunderstanding from your childhood or someone else’s inability to love you?

The great thing is you can change how you feel about yourself and how you see ‘rejection’. How? By practising self love. By being aware that there is a part of you that craves love, that seeks love in most things you do and somehow always feels disappointed when that love never shows up.

So stop looking to the outside world for that love and start looking within yourself. Stop looking for people to verify your self worth and verify it yourself. Stop looking to relationships to make you feel ‘whole’ and make yourself feel ‘whole’.

Self love is the most important love of all. Without self love you will continue to feel unloved,  no matter how much love is in your life. And Self love allows you to feel loved, validated, important and worthy. And it’s an incredibly easy journey to take.

Initially it may well feel embarrassing or awkward telling yourself how amazing you are and how much you love yourself, but with perseverance, it will begin to feel more natural and eventually it will begin to feel incredible!

I was introduced to self love or ‘meta’ through a Buddhist Meditation Practice and I love it! It is an incredibly empowering way to start the day. No longer waiting for external verification to feel good,  you can go right on ahead and love yourself. Simple.

So give yourself an extra ten minutes in bed every morning or find a sacred place where you can practice ‘meta’ or self love. Of if you have some issues you need to work on, set aside some time to work through them.

Start by taking a three deep breaths in and slowly breathing out through your mouth. Focus on letting go and relaxing on every out breath. Then simply focus on your breathing and place your hands over your heart centre (in the middle of your chest). To begin with – if you feel it difficult to feel loving towards yourself – think of a loving, happy memory and focus on the feelings they create within you and the thoughts that come up.

Once you feel loving – simply focus on an image of you in your mind – as you are now or a younger you that might need this love – whilst telling yourself ‘I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you for being so amazing’. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

As you repeat this mantra, feelings will surface – usually sadness or fear or anger and that’s okay. Breathe through these feelings and continue with the mantra. Remember if you feel unloved or unworthy these feelings will surface.

Memories may surface which may need your attention and again, focus on you in the memory and send the younger you so much love, support, gratitude, forgiveness or whatever it is that you think they need. Or simply keep repeating the mantra until you feel a shift in your energy, when you feel more peaceful.

You may well experience a lot of negative emotions initially when practising this and that’s okay as it releases pain from the past. If you need support – make sure you have a friend to help you through. It may well prove tough – but believe you me – it is worth it.

There will be times when you practise this and feel great. Revel in the positive feelings of love and gratitude, really feel how awesome it feels to feel loved and appreciated. Tell yourself how amazing you are, focus on things you have done well. You can send this love to others if you desire too – to family or friends who need it.

Self love is a healing tool in that it soothes and releases past hurts and as we release these and fill our hearts and bodies with love, kindness and forgiveness, we begin to feel a shift.

You can use this exercise to heal the past which inevitably will help you feel better, or as an exercise to boost your mood, to feel more loved and help you feel more positive about yourself. I would recommend that you go with whatever comes up. If it’s healing the past make sure you spend time at the end, focusing on love and gratitude to ensure you feel upbeat and positive when you finish.

After a couple of weeks or months you will begin to notice how differently you feel about yourself and indeed others. You may notice you begin to be kinder to yourself, more loving and supportive and you may notice as a result you are more loving and kinder to others too.

You may feel differently about events in your life and begin to see them in a different light. The more forgiving you are of yourself and others the more inner calm you will feel.

Love starts with you. The more you love yourself the more you see that rejection isn’t all about you. And if someone does reject you, you know what, that doesn’t mean you are unlovable, it just means you weren’t right for each other. Self love enables you to become a better mother, lover, sister, aunt, friend and person. It allows you to find pure joy in the simplest of experiences. You will feel much more grateful for what you have and that in itself, will increase your feelings of self worth.

So make a commitment today to practise self love every morning. I guarantee it will change your life!

Namaste.

Meditate Away ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of Secondary School and to say that he was hard work, was putting it lightly! However, being a therapist, and observing students I work with who present with ADHD, I strongly believe it is linked to anxiety and if you check out the symptoms of anxiety you can see a strong correlation.

Anyway – back to ADHD. My son was OK with his ‘hyper’ as he would call it though, through the day but struggled to get to sleep. Being aware that I meditate, he took it upon himself – after doing some meditation with me – to listen to meditation audios on YouTube. He found they not only helped him calm down and sleep better, they also made him feel better too.

He further added regular exercise to his regime and the change in him was amazing, Calmer, more focused, less angry and more able to reflect on his behaviour. WOW!

So if you struggle with your child’s ADHD and related behaviour’s – why not get them into a regular meditation practice? Not only does meditation help calm the mind, boost confidence and help children focus – it also helps to release tension and negative thinking too. A real win-win situation!

The old  ‘how can I get my kid to sit still for any length of time?’ is a question I get a lot. Don’t expect them to! Get them to listen to a short meditation to begin with – ask them to sit and listen and if they fidget – that’s fine. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day. It took me a couple of months to get into a regular practice and it will take your child a while too – so drop those expectations and just keep going.

There is a lot of research into Vetiver essential oil and ADHD and it has proved to work wonderfully with reducing symptoms – so give this a whirl too. Ensure your child exercises daily as this releases pent up stress and emotions and gives your child a way to release tensions that can exacerbate symptoms of ADHD,

Also a healthier diet helps. There is a link between what you eat and your health and there are various diets out there to help with ADHD – mainly fresh produce and less processed food.

You have the power to make a difference to your child’s ADHD – so give mediation a go. Change their diet – gradually – to lessen resistance. Get out more with your child and try Vetiver oil too. All these tools can make a huge difference. Believe me I know!

Try out the video below – if you want a longer mediation – there are others on my YouTube channel.

You can do it. You can make a difference to your child’s ADHD without medication. So give it a go and let me know how you get on!

adhd, mediation,treatment,anxiety,meditating,

Take a Breath

Mediation is a fabulous way to calm the mind, to gain perspective on life and to bring inner peace and joy into our lives. A regular mediation habit can help alleviate anxiety, depression, negativity, anger, bad habits as well as other things too. It can also help lower blood pressure and heal our bodies too.

As an adult we may find that to incorporate meditation into our lives is a real bind, When do we have the time? How do we do it? What about the kids? However all it takes is 10 minutes each day to begin to transform your life!

And more importantly, if you have children who struggle with low self esteem, anxiety, depression etc then why not help them access this wonderful healing tool? After all mediation has PROVEN mental, emotional and physical health benefits and is cannot come more highly recommended.

It may take time for a child to settle into a meditation practise however by introducing them to breath work, you are starting them on their journey to improved health and happiness. Once they have mastered the breath work then move them onto meditation, starting with 5 minutes (or less if they are 8 and under) and build up to 10 minutes, increasing the time one minute every week.

You will certainly notice a difference in their mood, confidence and overall level of happiness.

ALSO:

To help them understand the concept of taking a deep breath – what this video clip and try it yourself first before you explain it to your child.

Also check out my other videos which contain meditations for children too!

 

 

I love you..

Sometimes you just have to say it, so here goes….

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Ho’oponopono prayer.

Now if you read something into those words – then grab it and hold on to it. If we all said those 4 phrases daily to not only our loved ones, but to our friends, family (okay those should be included in our loved ones!), people we’ve upset, people who have upset us, how much better would we feel?

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

When you feel sad, mad, happy, angry, bitter, upset, lonely, jealous, rejected – just keep repeating the above phrases – over and over and over again until you feel a release from the feelings.

Say this prayer when you meditate; say it first thing in the morning or last thing at night; say it to your child/your wife/your lover/your dog! Say it often and with a smile!

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

The last one was especially for my boys.

Take care and remember – repeat, repeat, repeat!img_1738.jpg

 

 

 

A Positive Change

A quick and powerful way to change your kids’ negative behaviour is to focus on the positive behaviour instead.

By praising their efforts, however small (picking up their rubbish/putting their shoes away/giving you a hug) they begin to associate pleasure/reward with their positive behaviour. And by ignoring bad behaviour (minor behaviour) as well, the message that positive behaviour gets them the attention/reward that they want, will further enhance the transformation to a more positive and kinder child.

A great way to boost their feelings of positivity further and enhance their levels of happiness, it to ask them to write down three things that they are grateful for or that went well for them that day, along with three acts of kindness that they carried out that day in a gratitude journal.

Rewarding your child for their kindness (no major rewards necessary – keep it simple from a DVD night to choosing dinner to a chocolate bar on the way home) will motivate them further to be kind and the more they focus on acts of kindness, the more kinder and positive they will become.

When we repeat a behaviour it soon becomes a habit so by helping your child form to focus on kindness and gratitude you are helping them become a more positive and happier child and adult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Angry is calling….

I have an adult daughter and two teenage boys and the latter keep me on my toes and my mind seeking peace and quiet!

My eldest son was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, along with anxiety and a number of learning issues too.  He also has many ASD traits, however, I refused to go ahead with a diagnosis. When I found out about his learning difficulties and anxiety, things became a lot clearer – in regard to his anger outbursts.

My son has always had an anger problem – right from the word go and I blame a traumatic birth for this. Birth trauma, as you may know, can cause difficulties for children later in life or indeed, in adulthood. His rages would last for hours when he was younger, and if you have never never witnessed a meltdown, believe you me they are not a pretty sight!

As my son has got older, he has better learnt to keep a lid on his anger though when he lets loose now, it can be a very scary experience. He is no longer a child but a fully grown young man. Having been passed from pillar to post and back again, there has been no proper ‘anger management’ program offered to him from the medical profession, which I find strange, as helping a child manage their emotions is surely the way forward?

The downside of the ‘angry’ child is that they are seen as ‘naughty’ and ‘brattish’ and as for their parents, well should they have had kids? However, get to the very heart of the angry child and the cause of their anger, and you are guaranteed to see a hurt, sad, fearful and/or frustrated child. A child that desperately needs help!

And for the angry child – they generally get an angry response or despair in instead of the calm, comforting voice that they need. I know – there are many a time when I have lost my patience with my son instead of walking away and letting him calm down before I offer a listening ear and some comforting, yet constructive words.

Yes kids need to know that violence and aggression are unacceptable (anger however is a real emotion and acts as a warning to us) however if we don’t show them a better way, or provide them with an alternative way to respond, then how will things change? How will they manage or even get rid of their anger response?

I only wish I had meditated with my son from an early age as regular mediation practice is an excellent way to calm the mind and bring focus and peace into your life. Practising breathing techniques which can help in the moment, further enhance a quicker return to a more calmer, focused mind. And once your child begins to feel calmer, they will begin to take back control of their anger response.

Using NLP tools such as the Stop Pattern are a great way to change the negative thoughts that underpin those angry outbursts and change your awareness to more positive thoughts, beliefs and feelings instead. After all, it is your THOUGHTS than affect how you FEEL and if you change how you think, you will change how you feel.

Limiting beliefs more often than not underpin anger, especially in children – feelings of not being good enough and self doubt. By getting your child to focus on their strengths instead of any weaknesses, or by focusing on a positive belief instead (I am good enough) you can help them feel better about themselves and this will ultimately reduce feelings of anxiety about their performance.

I can not stress enough how wonderful meditation is for all and this along with breathing exercises, can help your child take back control of their anger. And by uncovering and changing limiting beliefs, you have a more permanent and long term solution to a calmer and more positive outlook.

So make a change to your child’s life today – I only wish I had done this earlier with my son – and start them on their journey to self discovery, self control and a calmer and happier life.

Check out my meditations on YouTube too and videos covering breathing exercises for kids.

Cultivating Calm

As a tutor and psychotherapist, I work with adults and children alike. I work specifically with children who have emotional or behavioural problems and whilst this may present its challenges, it can be a very rewarding venture.

Most kids want to be accepted – simply for who they are – not who we want them to be. Anxiety can come into the equation when kids feel they need to ‘perform’ in order to be accepted or they themselves, or their work, needs to be perfect.

I was working with a child recently who found it very difficult to tolerate work that she felt was not 100% neat. Tiny errors or mistakes were major setbacks. She admitted that she found it nigh impossible to live with imperfection in her work and upset from school quite often spilled over into home life too.

I quickly explained how anxiety/stress can build up in the right hemisphere of our brain and by doing some simple exercises, she could quickly release the internal pressure. I told her to try out bilateral tapping – tapping on both sides of the body with the opposite hand. What this does is stimulate both sides of the brain and subsequently alleviates the anxiety build up.

This can be done discretely – tapping your thighs under the table – or to relieve stress in private later by using the powerful Butterfly Hug technique. Bilateral stimulation is part of EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming) which is a recognised method of anxiety/trauma release.

So if you or your child suffer from anxiety/stress/negative thoughts – give the Butterfly Hug or bilateral stimulation a go – it’s amazing how quickly you can begin to feel calm again.