Self Love as a Healing Modality

If you feel like you’re constantly being rejected by others or feeling unworthy and unloved, it’s a pretty bleak place to be isn’t it? But what if you could change this place for a more loving and abundant place instead? Would you be willing to move?

The great thing is is that with some simple self love you can become a very different person living a more fulfilling life and you don’t need to rely on anyone else to start your journey!

Feeling unloved or rejected has it’s roots in childhood usually with some form of  ‘obvious’ rejection such as a parent walking out on you when you were a child or being bullied, or it could be a perceived rejection such as a parent ignoring you when you want their attention or a friend ignoring you one day at school.

It’s easier to see how we can feel unloved and abandoned when a parent walks out on us but it’s harder to understand how we can begin to feel unloved when a parent simply ignores our demands for attention. However as a child out whole world evolves around us quite literally and if someone ignores us, treats us badly, we begin to doubt our self worth and we create a misunderstanding that we are somehow unlovable or wrong as a result.

Once we form that seed of doubt, of feeling unlovable, we then begin to change how we view our world. Instead of seeing love in everything we do and experience, we begin to see rejection and over a relatively short period of time we can form the belief that we are unworthy or unlovable.

From then on in, an ignored text, or a harsh word from another person backs up that belief that we are unlovable or unworthy of being treated nicely. And isn’t it a shame that you waste your life feeling unloved or unimportant based on a misunderstanding from your childhood or someone else’s inability to love you?

The great thing is you can change how you feel about yourself and how you see ‘rejection’. How? By practising self love. By being aware that there is a part of you that craves love, that seeks love in most things you do and somehow always feels disappointed when that love never shows up.

So stop looking to the outside world for that love and start looking within yourself. Stop looking for people to verify your self worth and verify it yourself. Stop looking to relationships to make you feel ‘whole’ and make yourself feel ‘whole’.

Self love is the most important love of all. Without self love you will continue to feel unloved,  no matter how much love is in your life. And Self love allows you to feel loved, validated, important and worthy. And it’s an incredibly easy journey to take.

Initially it may well feel embarrassing or awkward telling yourself how amazing you are and how much you love yourself, but with perseverance, it will begin to feel more natural and eventually it will begin to feel incredible!

I was introduced to self love or ‘meta’ through a Buddhist Meditation Practice and I love it! It is an incredibly empowering way to start the day. No longer waiting for external verification to feel good,  you can go right on ahead and love yourself. Simple.

So give yourself an extra ten minutes in bed every morning or find a sacred place where you can practice ‘meta’ or self love. Of if you have some issues you need to work on, set aside some time to work through them.

Start by taking a three deep breaths in and slowly breathing out through your mouth. Focus on letting go and relaxing on every out breath. Then simply focus on your breathing and place your hands over your heart centre (in the middle of your chest). To begin with – if you feel it difficult to feel loving towards yourself – think of a loving, happy memory and focus on the feelings they create within you and the thoughts that come up.

Once you feel loving – simply focus on an image of you in your mind – as you are now or a younger you that might need this love – whilst telling yourself ‘I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you for being so amazing’. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

As you repeat this mantra, feelings will surface – usually sadness or fear or anger and that’s okay. Breathe through these feelings and continue with the mantra. Remember if you feel unloved or unworthy these feelings will surface.

Memories may surface which may need your attention and again, focus on you in the memory and send the younger you so much love, support, gratitude, forgiveness or whatever it is that you think they need. Or simply keep repeating the mantra until you feel a shift in your energy, when you feel more peaceful.

You may well experience a lot of negative emotions initially when practising this and that’s okay as it releases pain from the past. If you need support – make sure you have a friend to help you through. It may well prove tough – but believe you me – it is worth it.

There will be times when you practise this and feel great. Revel in the positive feelings of love and gratitude, really feel how awesome it feels to feel loved and appreciated. Tell yourself how amazing you are, focus on things you have done well. You can send this love to others if you desire too – to family or friends who need it.

Self love is a healing tool in that it soothes and releases past hurts and as we release these and fill our hearts and bodies with love, kindness and forgiveness, we begin to feel a shift.

You can use this exercise to heal the past which inevitably will help you feel better, or as an exercise to boost your mood, to feel more loved and help you feel more positive about yourself. I would recommend that you go with whatever comes up. If it’s healing the past make sure you spend time at the end, focusing on love and gratitude to ensure you feel upbeat and positive when you finish.

After a couple of weeks or months you will begin to notice how differently you feel about yourself and indeed others. You may notice you begin to be kinder to yourself, more loving and supportive and you may notice as a result you are more loving and kinder to others too.

You may feel differently about events in your life and begin to see them in a different light. The more forgiving you are of yourself and others the more inner calm you will feel.

Love starts with you. The more you love yourself the more you see that rejection isn’t all about you. And if someone does reject you, you know what, that doesn’t mean you are unlovable, it just means you weren’t right for each other. Self love enables you to become a better mother, lover, sister, aunt, friend and person. It allows you to find pure joy in the simplest of experiences. You will feel much more grateful for what you have and that in itself, will increase your feelings of self worth.

So make a commitment today to practise self love every morning. I guarantee it will change your life!

Namaste.

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I’m Sorry …

We come across many people in our everyday lives. Some enhance our lives whilst others detract from our daily satisfactions and others seem hell bent on making you pay for whatever shit they are dealing with in their lives or from their past!

I believe that we can learn a lot from the people that show up in our lives, especially when certain types of people show up regularly! There’s a learning there for the taking.

Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Certain behaviours we find annoying in others may be a reflection of a behaviour we deny in ourselves which we may need to address such as anger, weakness, thoughtless etc

We can all have elements of these behaviours, but for some people these behaviours may be creating problems in their lives. Non of us are infallible. If you think you are, you may need to address this! 😂

Behaviours that upset us could also be a warning that we need to look at our belief system and address a limiting belief about ourselves or our world, or it could be showing us that we need to be more true to ourselves and not others.

You may come across rude or controlling people that ‘ push your button’ and it may well be that you need to address how you let others treat you. It may be a lesson in learning to stand up for yourself or to believe in yourself more.

Or it may mean you need to look at relationships where you too are controlling in some way.

There are always lessons to learn from behaviours that you find distasteful in others!

For example, I have recently met a woman who is highly controlling and I consider her behaviour rude. She, it appears, is entitled to be flexible, whilst she expects me to ask ‘how high’ when she tells (not asks) me to jump!

To say I find her manner frustrating is an understatement however I have asked myself why she should show up in my life. What is her controlling behaviour, her rudeness and her superiority flagging up within me?

The first learning. Stick up for yourself more. Now depending on who you ask, you may well get two sides to this!

Whilst I don’t take kindly to being messed around there are situations where I tolerate bad behaviour for the appearance of ‘professionalism’. However I can still be professional and say no thank you!

Tolerating disrespectful behaviour that is a ‘one off’ is fine, but when it forms the basis of a relationship, it needs to be dealt with accordingly. I am worthy of respect. Learning number two.

Also – is her overly controlling behaviour highlighting an element of controlling behaviour in me? I can certainly see situations where I can be controlling – I’m no where near as bad as I used to be but could I still loosen my parental reins? Probably. Lesson number three.

But it’s also interesting to see just how much I have already let go of the need to control my kids’ lives and this woman’s controlling behaviour has highlighted just how much I have changed and has helped me recognise this positive change. So all good so far! Lesson number four.

And honestly? This behaviour is this woman’s responsibility. It’s her ‘story’. She needs to own it. She needs to address it. Not me. Lesson number five.

But the main lesson? It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to say I’m sorry but I deserve better than this. It’s okay to walk away without any explanation. Lesson number six.

Wow! How amazing. Someone’s shitty behaviour has helped me see so much within me. Imagine if we all reflected on this how much more self awareness we’d have. How much better we would feel?

So if you continue to ‘invite’ people into your life with a behaviour trait that grates with you, ask yourself these two questions.

What behaviour in me do I dislike and need to address?

What limiting belief is this highlighting within me that I need to let go of?

We do not need to be held hostage by other people’s shitty behaviour and by working out why it pisses us off so much, we will find ourselves less and less bothered by obnoxious people. Now how awesome would that be?

Because, from where I am standing, well sitting, we are ALL worthy of respect. So expect nothing less.

You are amazing.

You are enough.

You deserve better.