Take A Deep Breath….

……and count to 10.

Great advice if you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated or if you feel that you are going to say something you might just regret in the heat of the moment.

Focusing your mind of something other than the ‘thing’ that you don’t want to focus on (anxiety, depression, anger) etc is a great way to break the cycle of these habitual patterns.

If you suffer from anxiety – as soon as you feel the symptoms coming on – change your point of focus – immediately. Squeeze together your thumb and finger and focus on everything that you can see – in minute detail – or on what you can hear (however if all you can hear is the thumping of your own heart – then maybe this isn’t the best point of focus!). Loose yourself in another sense and not what you are experiencing in your body or your mind.

Yes it will be difficult to begin with – your mind and body are used to being hijacked by your anxiety – but PERSEVERE. Soon your mind will associate your squeezing your thumb and finger together with changing your point of focus.

Why change your point of focus? Simple. If you are listening intently to every sound that you can hear – it’s impossible to focus on those horrible feelings you feel in your body! Its a simple way to not only feel better, but to improve your senses and also to take back control of your anxiety.

It you don’t try it – you will never know! Go on give it a go – it’s amazing what a simple thing such as changing focus can do!

If you ‘forget’ to focus on those feelings then how can you feel anxious? You cant! So as soon as you feel those feelings arising – focus, focus, focus! Persevere too – it is worth it!

 

The Man In The Middle

Have you ever come across one of those people who fail to see that the Universe does not evolve around them? And let’s face it – sometimes we can all get lost in the ‘poor little me’ routine – which is okay – as long as you are aware of it!

We all make sense of our world based on our own beliefs, conditioning and experiences of our past and these overlay all our experiences in the here and now. So when a friend of yours lets you down – one friend may well presume that she’s got a lot on or is busy with something else because they believe that she wouldn’t let them down on purpose.

Another friend on the other hand instantly thinks ‘Charming! She couldn’t care less about me – cancelling our night out like that!’ Now which friend would feel more empowered and positive? Which frame of reference leaves the individual in control of their life as opposed to playing out the victim role in everyone else’s life?

Exactly! The individual who understands and can appreciate that everyone has their own life, thoughts, opinions, feelings etc and so considers this when giving ‘meaning’ to events in their life – so no surprises they will feel much happier and positive as they can see that not everything that happens to them is about them!

However the individual who puts themselves at the centre of the Universe unwittingly puts themselves at the centre of everybody else’s world too. So if someone lets them down – it’s about them. If someone is rude to them – its about them. If someone doesn’t jump when they say jump – it’s all about them too.

So no wonder they feel upset, rejected and down right miserable! They have made everything that everybody does about them! They could if they wanted – chose a different ‘meaning’ from the one they automatically chose (why me?) and not only will they feel better but there outlook on life will be more rosy too!

So next time your friend let’s you down – try and see things from your friends perspective – maybe they are having a bad time/busy with family/feeling tired etc – don’t always jump in with your size 11’s and shout ‘Why always me?’ because you will always get an answer but not the best one! And will lose your friends quicker that you will drop a hot potato.

So if you are the proverbial Man in the Middle you will always be the supporting actor in your life – so take the Lead role, change perspective and realize that there are billions of other people out there in the Big (not so bad) World!

The View’s Great From Up Here

When we look at a view or a colour or experience an emotion – how do we know for sure that what we are seeing or feeling is exactly the same as someone else? We don’t! So what we ‘see’ in front of us may not always be what someone else sees – however more likely than not – we wrongly assume that what we see is the ‘real deal’ when in fact it is just our interpretation of the world. 

How we view our ‘world’ is based on our internal world – i.e. the world we create in our minds from our beliefs, values and past experiences amongst other things and as we are all so unique – it is probably safe to say that we all ‘see’ very different things in our external world.

What do I mean by that? Well let me give you an example. You and your partner meet a woman at a party and spend a few minutes chatting with her and you come away thinking how lovely and charming she was whilst your partner comes away, muttering about how rude and superficial she was.

So how can you both have such differing opinions when you were both party (excuse the pun) to the same conversation yet you both ‘saw’ something completely different? Well because you both have different internal realities. What you witnessed in the external world was the same but how you interpreted what you saw  was different based on your past experiences.

You may have positive memories of great parties, feel more confident about meeting people or may just feel safe with ‘blond women’ as they remind you of your mum – there could be countless reasons as to why you liked the woman – but ideally they would be based on your dealings with other people in the past.

Your partner on the other hand may feel less confident than you – may have felt threatened by the woman, or she may have reminded him of a not so loving ex – but what he picked up from the experience once again is based on what he experienced in his past too.

Neither of you are right or wrong – it is simply your interpretation that has given meaning to the event – or rather – an opinion on someone who you have just met. However being able to realise that what you see, feel or think about the world or people or events is simply your perspective – allows you to begin to understand other people and how they might experience their world in a completely different way from you.

It also allows you to understand that whilst you may form an ‘opinion’ it is just that – an opinion. It is based on your internal map of the world – and it isn’t fact, just as someone else’s opinion isn’t fact either. So next time you jump to conclusions about a person or event – realise that it is your conclusion based on your experiences and not fact – that way you remain more open to other people’s opinions and can accept that you may not necessarily be right about everything!

See the world how others may see it – once in a while – and you open yourself up to a lot more compassion, gratitude and appreciation.

Second That Emotion

All of us (though some are exempt from this) have been or still are hostage to our emotions, with many people not even being aware of how they feel from one moment to the other.

However being aware of how you are feeling and the thoughts you have – can help you gain some control over wayward emotions such as anger, angst, sadness or anxiety. Basically the more ‘self aware’ you become the more able you are to control your emotions.

Being self aware simply means being aware of our thoughts and feelings which in turn gives us the opportunity to be ‘aware’ of them without becoming emotionally attached to them and when we become the ‘observer’ of our emotions we can choose whether we wish to change how we feel or wallow in our emotions.

For example, how many of us have been cut up on the road at some point by what would appear to be a ‘thoughtless’ driver? Most of us no doubt! But self awareness allows us to see that our angry response to this incident is ours – maybe our outburst (expletives!) are called for but maybe they weren’t – maybe the guy just didn’t see you?

So yes we got angry – but being aware that you are angry in the first place is great but being aware that our response to this incident is also our choice – means we gain control over how we feel – or for how long we feel these emotions, because lets face it – feeling bad sucks!

Self awareness allows us to remain calm in stressful situations, helps us to chose a more beneficial or positive state of mind and as a result we feel more balanced and positive. We become the ‘observer’ of our emotions – ‘I am feeling angry/sad/overwhelmed etc – which enables us to distance ourselves from those negative emotions and then gives us leverage to change them into a more positive one, if we want to! So if we find ourselves in a bad mood we can get ourselves out of it more quickly than other people who are less aware of their emotions.

On the flip side there are people who loose themselves in their emotions – drowning in their emotions or wallowing in their sorrows or worries. These people are immersed in their emotions and are unable to ‘see’ them clearly and as a result become overwhelmed by the emotions they experience. They have little perspective on the emotions they feel as and a result have little control over their emotional life and live at the mercy of their own emotions feeling they can do nothing to improve their situation.

And then we have those people who are aware of how they feel but do nothing to change them. Some people believe that they should experience all emotions as they arise as this is natural – but then there is a fine line here between wallowing in these emotions or really ‘feeling’ them and moving on.

And of course there are those who know they feel depressed, or sad, or angry but chose to stay with these emotions and they are ‘who I am’.

Your emotions are not who you are – they ‘tell’ us how we should feel based on past, present and future experiences however they are not always appropriate or the best option. You always have a choice – to feel bad or feel good. Simple.

Yes it’s necessary to feel bad sometimes – they make the good times good – and it’s better ‘out than in’ we are told (and I’m not talking about wind here!) – if we feel upset, angry, worried – deal with the cause of these feelings and move on – it’s a far healthier option than denying our emotions or believing you are a slave to them – you are not!

We all have times when we feel low – and that’s okay – but if these feelings drag on then perhaps you need to ask yourself if these emotions are serving you at this moment in time. Do they make you feel good – probably not – so do something about it.

Make a commitment to yourself to be more self aware – and once you start to notice your emotions – you can then go on to question whether they are appropriate (not all emotions we feel are – they can be a learned response) and if not – change them and move on.

You have a choice in life – to live a more fulfilling and happier life – or to chose to be a victim to your emotions. We all feel them – good or bad – but it’s how we ‘experience’ them and ‘deal’ with them that determines our lives. So chose well!

Freudian Slips………Really?

I have recently been preoccupied with a few things – it’s school holidays for one – and I have noticed my ‘slip-ups’ have increased dramatically in number as my mind has become overloaded with thoughts/noise and constant bickering between my two sons!

I have sent texts meant for my daughter to other recipients (God knows what the poor people thought when they received these as they were full of kisses amongst other things), told people things that were meant for other people and slipped up when I referred (somewhat negatively) to an event recently that was organized by a friend!

So when we slip up and say something other that what we meant so say – for example – telling someone that you ‘loathe’ their work  instead of ‘love’ it or send a personal text to someone else – is it really a Freudian Slip – an unconscious desire to say what we truly mean?

Perhaps it is – but come on – could it not also be about the fact that your mind is sooooo frazzled by daily events that you genuinely slipped up? And if it is an unconscious desire – is it one that you truly want or is it something that your unconscious mind – through experience – feels is ‘right’ for you – but you no longer feel the same?

A lot of people hold true to the idea of Freudian Slips (Freud noted that things said in error -usually when we are distracted or in a hurry) were the unconscious minds real thoughts or feelings about people, things or events which unconsciously slip out when we are otherwise preoccupied – i.e. not consciously monitory what we are saying or doing, when we are not ‘on guard’ so to speak.

However who is to say that every slip up is our unconscious minds desire to inform us how we really feel? And if some are true Freudian Slips and others are truly said in error – then can we distinguish one from the other?

I remember my dad telling us as kids that ‘English is a precise language’ and I do believe that errors in grammar and language do speak volumes. I recently was at a BBQ when someone was holding court, telling us about the sagas of a (dysfunctional) family from their past only to go on and describe them as ‘ a dysfunctional family like yours’ to someone (silence followed).

Now it’s anyone’s guess as to whether this person did or didn’t mean what they said (that the other persons family was also dysfunctional like the one they were talking about) – but our minds usually work faster than our mouths and sometimes it’s too late to play catch up!

So next time your make a Freudian slip – if you can get away with it brilliant. And if you cant – then perhaps admitting the truth might make you feel better but might not be in your best interests – so remain adamant that you were tired/drunk/thinking of someone else etc!

Loose Something? Cash, Weight…….

Most of us refer to weight loss or losing weight – it’s one of the highest search terms in google – and many people try to lose weight many times during their lives especially before a holiday or event (wedding, graduation etc) but how many of us question the actual language we use?

I will use the term ‘weight loss’ on my website as it’s what potential clients search for but I do not use it in my sessions! And if you think of it – there is a pretty obvious reason as to why it’s best to avoid the phrases ‘weight loss’ or ‘losing weight’ – and alteratively choosing a more motivating phrase instead.

When we talk about ‘loss’ in general – is it usually associated with happiness or sadness? Sadness – that’s right – loss of a loved one, job loss, loss of human rights etc. LOSS has many negative connotations to it and yet we use it more or less all the time when referring to the process of slimming or shedding excess fat! So no wonder you feel so miserable when you keep referring to weight loss on your journey to your ideal weight!!!

Also – what about losing weight? Do you want to lose weight? Yes of course you do but seriously – do you want to ‘find’ it again too? Probably not!!! When we lose something (usually car keys for me!) we ultimately set off to find it don’t we? So our mind has linked lost, loosing, lose etc with something that we need to find – so guess what – if it ‘hears’ your saying that you have lost weight – it may well feel obliged to help you find it again – just as it helped you find those missing keys the other week!

So chose your words wisely – every day – not just on matters of slimming! If you are trying to shed a few pounds or a mountain of fat – then tell yourself and others that you are ‘letting go’ of the excess fat/weight – as letting go suggests we had something once that served a purpose (a boyfriend/book/behaviour etc) but now we no longer need it so we ‘let it go’ to make us feel better.

Or use an even more positive phrase which not only uses more positive language but also provides an image (it will do each time you say it believe me) in your mind of your desired goal – the slimmer you.

Starting each day with a positive affirmation and visualization – of ‘I am slim and healthy’ focuses your mind on what you want (slim and healthy), tells your mind exactly what you want (slim and healthy) and helps you to remain focused on what you want to obtain (yes you’ve guessed it -slim and healthy).

Change your language today and see how much better you feel about your journey to a slimmer and healthier and happier you! IT Does make a difference to how you feel and if you feel better you will feel more motivated and if you feel more motivated (you are getting quick now aren’t you?!) you are more likely to succeed at reaching your ideal weight!

So chose to let go of your excess weight and focus on your ideal weight and shape – see it, hear it and feel it – it can be yours!

Good luck – and if you need some help with letting go of those nasty beliefs preventing you from reaching your ideal weight – give me a shout! I have helped hundreds (including myself) to fulfil their goals of reaching and maintain their ideal weight – so I can help you too!!

What’s Your Number?

I watched a movie recently with a friend (female) which touched on the subject of how many sexual partners is appropriate for a woman – whilst the film had a witty and romantic plot to it (ended happily ever after of course) it got me thinking about the difference in perspective from not only women but men too.

Basically the story is about a woman who has had 19 sexual partners and  after reading in a magazine that if you exceed a certain number of partners you are less likely to get married (nothing to do with choice, personality, individuality etc!), she decides that the next man she will sleep with will be her ‘intended’.

Being unsure as to whether other woman would perceive her ‘number’ as high she suggests a  game with her female friends, where they all put into a glass a piece of paper with the number of sexual partners they had. Each would then pull out a piece of paper and guess whose the ‘number’ was, needless to say her number was the highest and her friends were appalled!

So if women have such a negative view on ‘excessive’ sexual partners it’s no wonder men do too! After all what man would want to marry a woman who has been ‘around the block a few times?  However a guy’s a real ‘trophy’ or ‘stud’ if he’s put himself around.

And what makes it acceptable for a man to sleep around and be commended on it – but a woman been made to feel guilty if she has more than 5 partners/ Surely we want equality but perhaps there are some things where equality isn’t appropriate and maybe this is one such area?

You could argue that everyone has a different view point on this however it is continually portrayed in the ‘media’ that woman who sleep around are certainly not on a par with men who do!

So who is really threatened by woman being more sexually active than men? Woman or men? And why should it be that women are seen as ‘tainted’ because men feel emasculated by woman who have had more experience than them?

Men have no right to judge a woman by the amount of sexual partners she has had, especially if he has had his fair share. They have no right to ‘shout if from the roof tops’ how manly they are because they have had their fair share of lovers – but look with disgust at a woman who does the same.

Equality is equality. If you believe sex is sacred and you treat it as such then you are more likely to have fewer sexual partners and expect the same from your partner. If you believe sex is for fun then you may well have had more sexual partners but could you really judge your partner for doing the same?

So what ever your view point – accept that everyone is different – if a woman choses to marry the first man she sleeps with – brilliant. If she leaves sex until after marriage because her religion ‘told her to’ – then great too –  but if she choses to sleep with more than the ‘normal’ 5 men during her life time – than as long as she can live with it – then what’s the problem? Should she really feel ‘bad’ or guilty for her choices because you cant accept them?

Good or bad – some woman prefer to sleep with many men – but that’s their choice. It may well impact on their marriage potential because society has already cast her into a particular role – however if, emotionally she can handle it – then what’s the problem? If she cant handle it then it will become her problem – but it shouldn’t be anyone else’s.

This debate still generates a lot of strong feelings today however is it fair that a man has the right to judge a woman on her past yet a woman has no right to judge his?

 

 

An Abundance of Gratitude

When it comes to the Law of Attraction and abundance (wealth, happiness, love etc) gratitude plays a pivotal role. We know that we have to focus on what we want (wealth), and believe that we will receive it and be grateful now for it, however if we are less that grateful for what we have already received – then why would the Universe be willing to provide you with further abundance, or anyone else for that matter?

We should all know that a simple thank you is polite to express gratitude whenever we receive anything from anyone else, whether it’s a compliment, a gift or a drink – thank you shows our gratitude and tells the Universe that you are open to receiving more. It’s also polite too!

However, how much gratitude is necessary? Granted some people may want more than a thank you whilst others may not mind if you never say thank you – so how grateful do you need to be?

Well I’m guessing your idea of gratitude is linked to what you were taught as a child – if you were shown that gratitude is important then you will probably say thank you and mean it. If you were given things without being taught about how to show gratitude – you probably have grown up ungrateful and rude (never too late to change!) however it doesn’t mean that you can not change that.

I work with many people to clear all sorts of limiting beliefs from ‘I’m not good enough’ to ‘the world’s a scary place’ as well as limiting beliefs surrounding wealth and abundance. If you believe money is ‘bad’ or ‘there are more worthy people out there’ then you are probably limiting your potential wealth.

I worked on my limiting beliefs regarding money and was surprised at how guilt was linked to abundance for me. And why? My family ensured, as I do, that we kids were grateful for any treats that we received (and they weren’t in abundance either) which is how it should be, however when I looked back at certain incidents, it became clear that I was made to feel guilty if I didn’t appear grateful enough. Sometimes a simple thank you did not suffice!

That left me feeling anxious about receiving things because I was worried about any repercussions later – what if I got my new jumper dirty/ate all those chocolates now – would that mean I wasn’t grateful enough? It then became clear how I had grown up feeling uncomfortable about receiving gifts as well as believing that everyone else in the world was more worthy than I (especially the starving kids in Africa).

So once you become aware of your ‘money’ issues you can go on to release these limiting beliefs using EFT. EFT is a fabulous way of removing the ’emotion’ attached to your beliefs – a belief is merely a thought with STRONG emotion attached – remove the emotion and remove the belief.

However ALWAYS make sure you tap in a new empowering ‘wealth’ belief such as ‘I am worthy of the best things in life’, ‘I love receiving abundance’ etc. Removing a negative belief leaves a space so fill it with something positive – a new empowering belief!

So remember it’s always great to receive things and to be grateful for them – but no one has the right to make you feel guilty about receiving – they can try – but it’s your choice! If thank you isn’t enough then there may well be other issues or motives involved – be wary!

Receive and be grateful and allow abundance in to your life.

For more info on EFT – check out my webpage http://www.mcrhypnotherapy.com/eftmanchester.html